Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Conciergerie,The prison where I am soon to die. I walked silently and slowly to the prison, passing La Guillotine. Inside laid my fate, where I would save and innocent man and finally find something of meaning in this life. I was able to gain entry thanks to my knowledge of Barsad being a spy. I then approached Charles' prison cell. I told him of my plan. Reluctantly he understood and began to follow my instruction. He put on my jacket and instantly became the new Sydney Carton. Without any warnings, I poisoned him to make him faint. Soon the guards carried a weary Mr. Carton back to his carriage. Now the real Sydney Carton sits alone in this prison cell. while the real Charles Day was on his way back to England where he, Lucie, and her family will hopefully live happily ever after. Some might ask if I am afraid to die. I say no. Would you choose between an empty life searching for purpose in vain, or die for something larger than yourself. I am not afraid to die because I know, with my death I will finally live. I just wish I could see Lucie one more time before my inevitable fate. I hope she know why I do what I am doing.

Today was Darnays' trial. The prosecutor's stated that Darnay was an enemy. They said that because of Darnays' name (Evermonde) he was part of the aristocracy. Such slander. Following the testimony Defarge read a letter aloud to the court that Lucies' father had written whilst in prison. The evidence was amazing. The accusation and trial of Charles Darnay had been nothing but a vendetta against the Evermondes from madame Defarge. The blood seeking mob was outraged at Darnay. His fate had been decided. It seems I must travel France. There must be something I can do to offer salvation. I refuse to let this man and his family down. I have talked to Mr. Lorry about our departure back to London for the safety of the Manette’s and ourselves, however for this lowly drunkard, it will only be one way.

Since Charles and I have become friends, I drop in occasionally to spend an evening with the Manettes. Whilst sober. I've begin to consume much less alcohol for the sake of my friends. That word flows off my tongue in an odd way. I've never used it as much as I have recently. Unfortunately Darnay has had some conflict with revolutionaries. He was arrested earlier this week by the French and Madame Defarge since the discovery that Charles is apart of the Evermonde family even though he claims he has denounced his name. Today he was released for only a few hours before the revolutionaries quickly arrested him again. I feel as though there is something more behind this. No man has ever been arrested, acquitted, and then arrested again simply because of his name. There were some interesting developments with Mrs. Pross. It seems she has found her long lost brother who is actually a spy, a Mr. Barsad whom I became acquainted with earlier this evening as I caught him spreading Intel to another spy! I think I might want to befriend Mr. Barsad. He might be useful in the near future. This is a desperate time. I cannot let a friend like Charles be a part of this dangerous game. I shall see how the situation plays out and see what can be done to help Charles and my dear Lucie.

As I said in my earlier account, Charles and Lucie were engaged, but now Charles and Lucie are happily married. Today I decided to venture to their house to congratulate the couple. Even though I haven’t become better in my appearance than before or even changed a bit, I felt more secure to say the least on this beautiful sun shining day. After a few moments of polite discussion I took Darnay aside to speak to him privately; I plead for forgiveness for my actions and asked to be friends. In response, Darnay acted as if we had already been friends... this act of kindness was strange to me. I let him know that the consequences of my drunken times haunt me and I hope that I will not be judged of something that happened in the past. Truly, I want Darnay to forget about the night at the tavern after his trial. When I became more drunk than usual and lost control of my self and spoke of whether I liked him or not. As well as my sudden confession to Lucie after their engagement. But he seemed to understand. He seems to forgive me and my past, though it sounded as if he was just being polite. I admitted that I am incapable of becoming a better man; however, Charles was very sincere to me and agreed to let me come and go to his house as a friend. It makes me happy to know that I may visit if I would like to even though it may be only a rare occurrence. Charles impact on me is very significant. I hope maybe one day I will be able to impact his life. Maybe something in me is changing for the better, or am I just as undesirable as ever?

I've been working myself up to this point for months now. Until the recent news of a soon to be wedding the thought of confessing my deepest of emotions vocally was an absurdity. Now it feels as though its my only option to temporarily relieve the pain. That and my gentle friend whom I hold in my hand, alcohol. He understands. Although I am more than happy for them it pains me to see the one thing I can truly say that brings me happiness taken just out of grasp. Even with this confession I doubt it will do much in the means of easing this lumbering pressure of emptiness and worthlessness. The two who I speak of are Charles Darnay and my gentle Lucie Manette. I can say with certainty that even shortly after the trail of Darnay, there was something budding inside me I could not quite articulate. But now I know what must be said. I MUST confess my feelings toward Lucie. Regardless of the answer, it must be said. Without the confession I will live the rest of my life with regret looming overhead. I need a drink.